Infertility sucks.

I’m having a hard time today. The clomid has been working and last cycle everything was perfect. We couldn’t have timed it any better. And today I started my period. I knew it was coming. I started testing at 9DPO (days past ovulation). Negative negative negative. I should say I’m not surprised, but this time I am. It should have worked. There was no reason for it not to work. We did everything right. Everything. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed and frustrated and pissed I am that it didn’t work.

There are a few reasons this month is harder than usual. We’re moving soon and if I’m not pregnant before we leave, I’ll have to get a primary doc, make an appointment, get a referral to another doc and get an appointment with that one. I have an excellent doctor right now, but I have had less than great ones before. Less than great ones take a LONG time to get anything going. I can’t tell you how many missed opportunities we had to endure the last time because my doctor didn’t think 4 years of trying was quite long enough and wanted me to try a little longer. So I’d like to find someone who will be as proactive as I am. This all takes time. Time I’m not willing to wait, but may not have a choice.

Now that the 3rd cycle at 50mg failed, I don’t know what my doc is going to want to do. I would like to maybe bump it up to 100 and give it a good last try since we probably have one good shot before we leave. But I don’t know what my doc will think about that. She may want to do a bunch of testing again since it’s been a while. If that’s the case, it will probably cost us our last good shot before we move. I really don’t want that. I want a chance. Even if she decides to stick with 50, I’ll be ok with that. At least we have a chance.

I am so pissed. The whole thing is completely unfair and it pisses me off. I don’t even know how to elaborate on that. It is what it is.

I know how lucky I am. I don’t need to be told that I am lucky. I have a child. I already have what so many people are still struggling for. I appreciate her in ways I can’t explain. She makes it so much easier to see a negative test. She also keeps me busy enough so I don’t have as much time to dwell on it. I remember spending days being depressed after previous failed cycles. I didn’t have a reason to muddle through. Now I do. She won’t let me wallow, even when I want to.

It can be a double-edged sword though. I have one, so I know my body CAN make a baby and carry it to term. I know I’m capable of having another healthy baby. But knowing that makes not getting it even more frustrating. I can. So why haven’t I? There are no guarantees that I ever will.

But there is hope. So I’m going to focus on the hope.