How far along? 28 weeks

Total weight gain: Up 2 pounds total as of my last appointment.

Maternity clothes? Yes.

Sleep: I’m sick.  And I have to pee a lot.  And my kid crawls into bed with us at some point.  So I wake up about 15 times a night.  We’ve had family visiting and now that they’re gone, I plan on napping a lot and going to bed early.

Food cravings: Meh.  Nothing jumps out at me.

Best moment this week: Passing my 1 hour glucose test by 1 whole point.  Woo!

Movement: Yes.  Not quite as active as usual, but he goes through quiet times every now and then.

Gender: Boy.

Labor Signs: None.

Belly Button in or out? Flattish and poking out.

What I miss: Just the physical stuff.  Like being able to get off the couch or bed without help.  Putting on my shoes without planning and grunting.  The usual.

What I am looking forward to: Our 3D ultrasound.

Weekly Wisdom: Don’t get sick.  It sucks and sucks more since there is very little you can take that actually works.

Milestones: Third Trimester!  And 28 weeks sounds like a big deal.  I think my next big deal week is 30.  No reason.  Just what my head tells me.

I would normally add a bunch of stuff about how 2009 was so great and reflect on how my life has improved and how 2010 will be so much better, but really?  No.  Can’t.  Just can’t.  I feel like ever-loving crap and have for a week or so.  My entire face is leaking all over the place and my head feels like someone stuffed cotton in it.  I’m constantly coughing this scratchy, painful, make you throw up hacking cough.  And I’m pregnant, so not a damn thing I can do about it.  I’ve had family here for a couple days and I’ve had to fake every second, including Chuck E Cheese for my nephew’s 1st birthday today.  So just not gonna happen this year.  I’ll try to eventually get around to a year in review type post with some resolutions tossed in for good measure, but it’s going to be late.

And we’re all just going to have to be ok with that.

How far along? 26 weeks

Total weight gain: Down 1.5lbs as of my last appointment.

Maternity clothes? Yes.

Sleep: I could definitely use more of that.

Food cravings: Chocolate every now and then.  I’m hoping I can keep that under control though.

Best moment this week: Surviving Wednesday and knowing I do not have to drive for 2 whole weeks.  With my luck, it won’t start snowing until I have to drive again.

Movement: Yes, so much.

Gender: Boy.

Labor Signs: None.

Belly Button in or out? More flattish now and if he’s in a certain spot, it pokes out.

What I miss: Being able to get up without twisting and grunting.

What I am looking forward to: Our 3D ultrasound that I have scheduled, but need to reschedule.  Also, Christmas dinner.

Weekly Wisdom: Just when you think you’ve reached your limit of Crap To Deal With, you find a mouse in your house.

Milestones: Viability.  But he’d better keep baking.

Also, mouse in the house.  A mouse.  I screamed like a girl.  Scamper killed it, and I have since covered it with 2 hand towels and swept it to the backdoor (out of the way) where it will stay until Mr. Silly calls at lunchtime and I beg him to please OMG pleeeeease come home and get rid of the mouse.  And even that was a chore since I still have this persistent morning sickness and I kinda want to throw up.

I would just call Mr. Silly at work, but I had to call the day I got stuck in the snow and I had to call yesterday since I realized way too ate that he took the car back to work with him with ALL the groceries in the back.  At least it’s cold, so everything lived.  I am, apparently, becoming “That Wife”.  The one who calls over every little thing.  But I swear I’m not trying to.  Not my fault the weather is against me and I’m pregnant and forgetful and mice just up and decide to invade and I’m too chicken to just deal with it myself.  I may have also scarred Smushy for life with my screaming and carrying on.  I know that is the exact WRONG way to react, but OMG MOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSE.

And I locked Scamper in the playroom downstairs for her trouble.  But really it’s so she doesn’t uncover the mouse.  Don’t worry, she is where the food, water, and litter box are.

Plus, Smushy had a fever last night and still (again?) this morning.  She’s being a little more clingy and chill than usual, but still eating and drinking fine and no other symptoms.  Which has nothing at all to do with the mouse and everything to do with me having a bad week.  At least she’s not missing school because of it.

I need a vacation.

Today sucks.  Short version?  Inexperienced driver (me) + snow + very steep driveway = tow truck.

So, hey it’s snowing!  And raining!  I HATE this crap.  I never used to hate snow, but now that I have to drive in it in this very steep, hilly area with my kid in my 2WD minivan I HATE IT!

Let’s start with this morning.  I look outside and see a blanket of white over the whole yard.  I started worrying about driving in it.  Then I’m sitting in the car while Mr. Silly is shoveling and I see a SUV sliding backwards down the road.  Then I start tearing up.  Panic.  Then Mr. Silly is driving down the hill toward the main road and can’t stop.  Instead of turning right like a normal person, he turns left since that’s the way he goes to work.  Even though there is a huge line of cars on the left and no where for him to go.  That pretty much did me in.  Hyperventilating, shaking, sobbing, and I almost threw up at least 3 times.  I do not tolerate this well.  I hate driving and cars and when you add in bad road conditions I turn into a big puddle of panic and fear.

Mr. Silly is freaking out about being late and not being careful, I’m freaking out because WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! and Smushy is in the back saying, “Mommy, you okay?”  No.  Mommy is not ok.  We finally get turned around and I bawl and hyperventilate my way to the base.  Mr. Silly is trying to be reassuring (only because he wasn’t late), but it doesn’t matter.  I have to drive.  Me.  On the road.  With the snow/ice/slippery death.  I decided to take the front gate since the back gate has more curves and everything.  I don’t usually go this way, but I figured it’d be safer.  And it was.  I was slow and careful and made sure to take the roads that should have been cleared and avoided the steepest hills and yeah, it took almost twice as long, but we made it to Smushy’s school safe and sound.  Going home was fine since I live all of 3 minutes away and by this point the worst of the snow was plowed or melted in the rain.

I decided to park in the yard since the driveway is really really steep and scary.  The yard is big enough that I could just pull around to get back to the private drive our house in on (not to be confused with our driveway).  I puttered around the house on the phone for a couple of hours and then got ready to go to the store before I had to pick up Mr. Silly for lunch.  Turning on the private drive, I got stuck.  In my yard.  I reversed and went forward and tried rocking it and jumping up and down, but the car would budge.  Mud is flying everywhere.  I calmly go back inside and proceed to cry my eyes out for a good 15 minutes.

Why me?  Why my first driving in the snow day?

I called Mr. Silly at work and left a message for him to call me back.  Then I called our insurance company (roadside assistance, baby!) and asked for a tow truck.  Mr. Silly called me back and I bawled a little more to him.  The tow truck driver was there in 10 minutes and had me out in 5.  He was so nice and understanding.  Even though I’m sure he thought I was a crazy woman for crying over a stuck car.  I picked up Mr. Silly and Smushy and nothing bad happened the whole rest of the time.  Going to ask the neighbors across the drive if I can park there a couple times a week since I am still not going down the driveway.

Today is now officially and decompress and veg-out day.  We will stay in pj’s, drink hot chocolate, and watch Christmas movies.  I will eat my entirely huge bowl of mac and cheese and not worry about anything else.  Today I don’t care if Smushy makes a big mess or watches too much TV.  I don’t care if the dishes pile a foot high and if the floor is covered in dirt and toys.  The laundry can sit happily in the hamper for today.  I am done.

And I pray this is a short winter.  Seasons are overrated.

I’ve had a little coffee today, which always makes me a little edgy.  I am a LOUD and HYPER person without coffee.  I get it from my LOUD and HYPER dad.  Hyper might not be the right word because I mostly just like to sit on the couch, but I am rarely still.  I can’t talk on the phone without pacing constantly.  You can imagine how I must annoy people, but I truly can’t help it.

I don’t usually need coffee for energy, I need it for motivation.  I am LAZY.  Very very lazy.  And yet, Things, they still need to get done.  If I’m the one doing them, caffeine is the push I need.  And it totally works.  BUT, side effect:  My brain gets all filled and jumbly.

SO!  You get the joy of taking a peek inside my crazy.  Which really isn’t so much crazy today, just very very jumbly.  With Bullets!

• My $80 wireless mouse broke after only a few months.  I’ve switched to a $15 wireless mouse and it works great.  FTR, I did not know it was $80 when I bought it since sometimes I don’t look at how much things cost.  I just assume they cost around X amount.  I don’t know why I do that.
• I have a lot of cleaning and other such domestic stuff to do today.  I feel like I must say that all the time.  I seem to be having a hard time getting going today.  The thing is, Smushy is in school which is the very PERFECT time to get things accomplished since it is impossible when she’s here to get anything done. But I feel like it would be pointless to clean since she will come home and destroy everything.  Mr. Silly got a taste of it this weekend when he had to vacuum our area rug twice in an hour.  That was yesterday.  And I need to vacuum again already.  So I’m trying to figure out what’s the point of cleaning AT ALL.  Also, is there a magic age when I can expect her to keep something decent for 10 minutes?
• I need to figure out a recycling system.  I have trash cans on the deck for recycling that are very convenient, but apparently, I can’t be bothered to open the door and use them.  For now I just leave it all on the table right near the door to the deck and make Mr. Silly do it.  I have a valid reason for this.  If it’s raining, I don’t want to get wet.  Also, if I open the door AT ALL, Smushy wants to go outside.  So the current plan is to AVOID.  Not a great plan for the keeping of the clean house.
• I belong to a mommy message board.  We have been together since we were pregnant with our 2007 babies.  These women rock, seriously.  A lot have gone on to have children since then.  So there have been a few posts lately about how hard it is with 2, especially in the beginning.  And I am FREAKING OUT.  Everyone keeps saying how they had help in the beginning and it was their saving grace and I DON’T HAVE HELP.  Mr. Silly will  go back to work the Monday after he’s born (he should be here on a Wednesday) and then I have no one.  Also, he’s due to deploy after we move and then it will be me for 6 months or however long he’s gone.  FREAKING OUT!!!!  Things that are currently freaking me out are:

1. I have to take care of a crazy toddler and a newborn while recovering from a C-Section by myself!!  Smushy is fast and destructive and toddler-y.  Newborns like food and stuff.  I am going to be walking like an old lady for a while at least and unable to move fast.  I don’t know how to do this.
2. I remember the dark moments the very few times I was alone with Smushy in the beginning.  I know how hard it is with one.  I know what sleep deprivation can do.  What if I don’t handle 2 very well on my own?  What if I snap or something?  This probably scares me more than anything.
3. Smushy was an AWESOME sleeper.  No joke.  I’m confident enough in her sleeping to say it.  She was seriously the easiest baby ever.  So of course I won’t get that lucky twice.  And what if he sucks at sleeping.  I can’t nap when he naps the way I could when Smushy was little.  How am I going to cope?
4. I am completely sad for Smushy since I know she’s going to get the short end of the stick for a while.  Not to mention I just know I will lose my patience with her.  I’m trying to implement some don’t lose your patience techniques now, so maybe some of them will stick.  I’m trying to be very matter of fact about discipline.  And I’m working on her putting herself into time out in case I’m nursing when she get into trouble.

• My iPhone ate my contact list.  I synced it last night and it changed everything to my computer address book which had all of 2 numbers on it since I never use that one.  So now, I have to try to remember everyone’s numbers (impossible) and use the recent call list to fix what I can.  I am annoyed.

The End.

We have had the flu up in here for a good week.  Hence the not blogging and also not responding.  Sorry.  And it was just Mr. Silly who was sick, but between taking care of him and Smushy with no break, I am just beat.  I’ve been trying to catch up on a little sleep on the couch this morning, but Smushy is not having it.  She keeps stealing my pillow and blanket.  She’s so mean.

Anyway.

How far along? 21 weeks

Total weight gain: Down 6.5lbs as of my last appointment.

Maternity clothes? Yes.

Sleep: If only these people I live with would let me.  And I think this morning I woke up to kicking for the first time, well, ever.  Smushy was not a morning kicker.

Food cravings: I want a cheeseburger.

Best moment this week: I felt the baby from the outside for the first time last night.

Movement: A lot.  And now enough to shake my belly.

Gender: A boy.  (OMG ITS STILL A BOY!!!)

Labor Signs: Nope.

Belly Button in or out? In, but I have a feeling this isn’t going to last long.

What I miss: Making it through a movie or commercial without crying.

What I am looking forward to: A nap.

Weekly Wisdom: Remember to take care of yourself, even when it seems you don’t have time left over after taking care of everyone else.

Milestones: Over halfway done.  And 21 is my lucky number.

It’s taking me a while to find my footing.  In Texas, I had a routine.  I managed to play with Smushy, clean and have dinner ready almost every night.  Sure, there were days when nothing would go right and I was lucky to make it out of my pj’s, but for the most part, I had it together.

Ever since we got here, things have just been off.  I work my ass off all day long, just trying to keep my head above water.  There are days I don’t sit down until nap time.  I’m trying and failing and I can’t figure out how to change it all.  I just want to get back in the swing of things where everything is routine and I know what I’m doing.  Instead, I’m floundering around over here and everyone is miserable.  Mr. Silly seems to think since the house looks like shit I must not be doing anything.  I honestly don’t blame him for thinking that, but I AM doing things.  It’s so frustrating to work and work and work for nothing.  It’s not even the amount of work it is, it’s the fact that despite it all, I’m not getting anywhere.

I have a plan-ish sorta thing.  Maybe not so much a plan as a series of ideas to maybe help me at least contain the uncontrollable stuff and keep the common areas decent.  I just need to figure this stuff out and do better.

Mr. Silly had to go to Virginia for training for 2 weeks.  With the car.  The only car.  So I was stuck here with Smushy.  No big deal, really.  There was lots of unpacking and organizing left to do (not that I did any of it).

The thing is, I hate being alone.  I don’t do well.  I get extra paranoid and just sucky in general.  I think maybe I’m just out of practice?  Mr. Silly has been off work for a year and before that he worked very short hours, so it was like he was home all the time anyway.  I think I’m just very used to him being around.  I know that I’m going to have to get back in the swing of things since he is going to be deployed at some point.

And maybe that’s part of why this is so much harder than usual.  The next time he leaves, it will be for months at a time and I will have to deal with 2 kids by myself. Mr. Silly is a very involved dad.  I’m not used to doing it all by myself.  I mean, I have and I can, but I don’t like it.  (Does anyone?)  Since Smushy was born I knew the day would come that he would leave for months and months and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for that.  But with him being in Virginia, I think it just suddenly hit me that I won’t have to worry about handling one kid on my own.  I’ll have 2.  All of a sudden.  No transition time.  It put me in a really big funk the entire time he was gone.  Hormones don’t help.

This is all just stuff I’m going to have to work through and deal with (because what choice do I have?) and I’ll be fine when it comes down to it.  I just needed some time to adjust and accept.  I don’t know why I didn’t blog about it.  This is supposed to be my outlet for stuff like this.  I just couldn’t come up with the words I needed.  Mostly I just wanted to cry and that doesn’t really come out in writing.

Things are better now.  They always are when he’s home.  We spent the first weekend doing family stuff.  It was perfect.  I know that sounds corny, but it really was the most perfect weekend of my life.  He’ll be working long hours all week long while we’re here.  Weekends are family time.  I am going to make the most of what I have.

Things are good.  You know.  Trucking along and all.  Morning sickness comes and goes and even then it’s really just queasiness with some dry heaving thrown in for good measure.  I think I may have had it a little worse with Smushy, but even then it was tolerable.  I’m tired a lot, but not sleeping much at night.  Naps are my friend.

I’m extremely grouchy all the time.  Not at Mr. Silly or Smushy though.  Mostly at the internet.  Message boards and Facebook get on my nerves.  I’ve been avoiding them since I know I will lose my temper and bitch at someone and regret it later.  I’m getting tired of biting my tongue.  I didn’t feel like this at all the last time, so I don’t know if it’s a pregnancy thing or if I’m just bitchy.

I’m a little hesitant to celebrate this pregnancy until I have an ultrasound.  I feel like I’m just counting down the days.  With Smushy, I had ultrasounds at 5 weeks, 6.5 weeks, and 8 weeks.  It was comforting knowing there really was a baby there and then the baby really did have a heartbeat and was still growing like it should.  Now I just have a few lines saying I’m pregnant and sore boobs.  This is just not concrete enough for me.  My ultrasound is a week from tomorrow and that will put me at 8 weeks 3 days.  In other words, FOREVER.

I find the further along I get, and the closer to the ultrasound I get, the more nervous/anxious/excited/terrified I am.  It seems my emotions are a little more complex this time.  With Smushy, I was just over the moon happy and scared something would happen to the baby.  That pretty much sums it all up for the entire pregnancy.  Now I have all these other concerns.  I can’t seem to focus on just the happy.

Um.  Also, I’m worried it might be twins.

But no time! Things are still insane around here and will probably stay that way for another week. The garage doors are getting replaced on Monday. The bathrooms are getting done on Tuesday. We have to be out of the house all day on Tuesday because of the fumes, so we’re staying in a hotel for the night.

And tomorrow someone is coming to look at the house. This is the first time, so we’re busy busy cleaning. I’m not going out of my way to make it perfect since this isn’t my house and I don’t really give a shit if it sells, but I am trying to make it look decent. Nice for me too since I get to live in a cleaner house. Woo!

The AC is still on the fritz and the home owner is trying to get out of fixing it. I get that they’re trying to sell the house and don’t want to put a bunch of money in it, but this is Texas. In the Summer. The end. Actually Mr. Silly is getting pretty pissed about the whole thing and that actually makes him more silly. Maybe just to me though.

Smushy is not napping well and I know the reason(s), but have no time to go into it because there are a LOT of reasons. I blame Mr. Silly and also the government and I will completely explain when I have more time. Either way the not napping or napping at the dumbest times sucks and I would like that crap to stop rightthisminute! Progress report to follow.

I’m having a hard time today. The clomid has been working and last cycle everything was perfect. We couldn’t have timed it any better. And today I started my period. I knew it was coming. I started testing at 9DPO (days past ovulation). Negative negative negative. I should say I’m not surprised, but this time I am. It should have worked. There was no reason for it not to work. We did everything right. Everything. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed and frustrated and pissed I am that it didn’t work.

There are a few reasons this month is harder than usual. We’re moving soon and if I’m not pregnant before we leave, I’ll have to get a primary doc, make an appointment, get a referral to another doc and get an appointment with that one. I have an excellent doctor right now, but I have had less than great ones before. Less than great ones take a LONG time to get anything going. I can’t tell you how many missed opportunities we had to endure the last time because my doctor didn’t think 4 years of trying was quite long enough and wanted me to try a little longer. So I’d like to find someone who will be as proactive as I am. This all takes time. Time I’m not willing to wait, but may not have a choice.

Now that the 3rd cycle at 50mg failed, I don’t know what my doc is going to want to do. I would like to maybe bump it up to 100 and give it a good last try since we probably have one good shot before we leave. But I don’t know what my doc will think about that. She may want to do a bunch of testing again since it’s been a while. If that’s the case, it will probably cost us our last good shot before we move. I really don’t want that. I want a chance. Even if she decides to stick with 50, I’ll be ok with that. At least we have a chance.

I am so pissed. The whole thing is completely unfair and it pisses me off. I don’t even know how to elaborate on that. It is what it is.

I know how lucky I am. I don’t need to be told that I am lucky. I have a child. I already have what so many people are still struggling for. I appreciate her in ways I can’t explain. She makes it so much easier to see a negative test. She also keeps me busy enough so I don’t have as much time to dwell on it. I remember spending days being depressed after previous failed cycles. I didn’t have a reason to muddle through. Now I do. She won’t let me wallow, even when I want to.

It can be a double-edged sword though. I have one, so I know my body CAN make a baby and carry it to term. I know I’m capable of having another healthy baby. But knowing that makes not getting it even more frustrating. I can. So why haven’t I? There are no guarantees that I ever will.

But there is hope. So I’m going to focus on the hope.