So I was looking for Smushy’s weight at 4 months to compare to Doodles since we just had his appointment. I’m sure I have it written in a book somewhere, but I was sitting here and figured it’d be easier to just look it up on my old blog. It’s set to private now and I had to figure out what my old log-in info was just to view it. I read a few from the beginning and it highlighted how completely different I am now. I used to be honest*. Or at least I was in one entry. And I actually blogged about the day to day with Smushy. I’m sure it was boring to 99% of those who happened upon it. But it was mine. And really enjoyed re-reading it. I liked being reminded of the new mother jitters and worries and joys that I probably overlook not being a first time mom these days. I wrote huge posts every month for Smushy. While Doodle gets nothing. Or at least very little.
*This is not to say I am now dishonest. I just mean I wasn’t afraid to voice my opinion while now I avoid conflict because I’m always too worried about offending someone. Pathetic.
So I decided to go back to the way it was. Turn this into a journal for my kids and for myself. Let’s be honest, it’s not like I’m doing anything else with it. I’m excited about this. And I know most people will think it’s stupid. But this is for me.
Three years ago on July 14th I was as big as a house, impatiently waiting for Smushy to make her appearance and change my life forever.
One year ago on July 14th I saw this
and knew my life was about the change all over again.
Today is my best friend’s due date. Her daughter will be 4 months younger than Doodle. Smushy is 3 weeks younger than her son.
July 14th is a good day.
Did you know when you own the domain and have a host for your blog, you have to pay, even if you’re not blogging. Yeah. I should probably start blogging again to make it worth it.
Let’s see, where to start?
We’re doing ok. Better than I expected, really. Smushy loves school. She doesn’t cry when I drop her off. She naps (sometimes). She eats lunch (Ok, once.) She asks to go to school on non-school days. She’s excited when I pick her up and tells me about her day. I am thrilled. I enrolled Doodle for drop-in care and he goes for a few hours once a week. It’s my only break, so I treasure it. I like having the time to get shopping done or clean the house or watch a movie without kids. It’s nice. I don’t know that he’ll keep going once Mr. Silly gets home, but for now it’s good.
Mr Silly is busy. Working a lot and not much free time. He’s called a few times. To be honest, we’re both pretty distant right now. I update about the kids and send the occasional picture. He talks about work as much as he’s able to say. But for the most part, we’ve been disconnected. I think it’s normal. We’re both busy and aren’t able to share the day to day. I miss him like crazy, of course. It will be better once he’s home.
Smushy’s 3rd birthday is right around the corner. My family is driving up to celebrate, so I’ve been trying to clean the house. Technically, I’m still working on unpacking the upstairs. The problem is that I’m only up there to sleep. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. Unfortunately, everyone is staying with us, so I absolutely have to have everything done. Su-uck. Slow and steady.
Doodle is amazing. He is the happiest baby. So smiley and giggly and I totally dig him. He is so sweet and fun. I had a really hard time in the beginning. I never really went into it on here, but it was Bad. Very bad. I’m too ashamed to go into it now. But now? Things are so good. I’m more patient. I’m calmer. He’s easier in general. I think he was sensitive to something in my breastmilk and showed that sensitivity by freaking the hell out constantly. So I stopped. Months ago, in fact. I still don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand, it so isn’t how I wanted it to be. I wanted to do it for as long as possible. On the other hand, as soon as I stopped, we were so much happier. All of us. The difference was amazing. And with Mr. Silly leaving and the PPD, I just know it was the right decision for us. But I’m sad. And I feel guilty sometimes. But it’s ok. We’re ok.
Pictures!
Look at that little grin
My girl. Cost of one ponytail? One bowl of chocolate ice cream.
What? Don’t you wear your swimsuit in the bathtub?
This is what happens when she wakes up too early. Did I mention I stopped attempting naps and she just falls asleep on the couch at nap time sometimes? Yeah. That.
So.
Two kids are a little tougher than I expected. Or, rather, there are things about two kids that are tougher. Getting anything done, for instance. Every time I start something, I have to stop and change a diaper, or get a bowl of cereal, or clean up a bowl of cereal from the floor, or change another diaper, or feed a baby, or change my shirt because the baby spit up on me, or change the baby because he spit up on himself, or change another diaper. And by “or”, I mean “AND”.
In between all of that I’m doing laundry (why did no one tell me the laundry would multiply by 10 just by adding one small baby??), or doing dishes, or cleaning the living room/bedrooms/bathrooms, etc. And then if I do manage to get something done, the Toddler Tornado goes through again and destroys it.
And did I mention the packers will be here a week from today to pack up all my crap for the move? A week, people. That means we’ve also had cleaners (house and carpet) coming by the give us quotes. I’m a realist. If I can’t manage to keep it decent most days, there is no way I’m going to be able to do a move-out clean by myself while watching 2 kids with no TV to help. We’ll just hire people. I don’t even care how much it costs. Mr. Silly insisted on getting way too many quotes, which meant I had people randomly showing up with no notice because he forgot to tell me about it. More often than not, I answered the door in my pajamas with spit-up all over me, holding a crying baby while Smushy ran around like crazy in the background.
Plus we have all this other stuff going on to get ready for the move, like cleaning out the car and figuring out how I’m supposed to fit everything in it since during my initial, pre-baby planning, I did not take into consideration the frequency and volume of Doodle’s spit-up (and it is impressive) and there are no laundry stops. Which means I’m going to need a lot more shirts and burp cloths (though we use receiving blankets as burp cloths because it is IMPRESSIVE!) So! We need to have a roof rack storage thingy installed, so we have to call the dealer and have them order the bar part so they can install it when we go in for our 30,000 mile pre-cross-country-move stuff on Saturday, which is also the day we have to clean out the garage since we have the trash people coming by that day to pick up all the big trash we’ve collected.
And Smushy is in a particularly SUCK ASS phase right now. The not listening, running away in busy parking lots, saying “no” to everything I tell her to do/not do, being loud, making messes, laugh in your face when you try to discipline (ding ding ding! Mommy’s biggest red button), non-napping, annoying as all hell phase. I do not know what I’m doing. I feel like a complete failure. I am that bad mother who can not control her child. I hate that. I don’t want to be this way, I just can’t figure out what the hell to do about it.
Her behavior and his fussy evenings (fussy=crying/screaming) added on to everything else we have going on is just wearing on me. By the time we get both kids to sleep, I have no desire to do anything productive. Unless facebook, message boards, and iPhone games are considered productive these days.
I keep telling myself things will be better after we move and that Doodle won’t be in this screaming all evening phase forever and eventually I will figure out what to do about Smushy or her suck ass phase will end on it’s own. Things will get better. Just working on getting there.
This is what happens when she doesn’t nap.
What do all these pictures having in common?
Are they showcasing the fact that my child needs her hair brushed more often? Well, yes, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ll give you a hint. It’s multi-colored plastic made from evil. That’s right.
The binky.
Smushy is 32 months old and is still completely attached to that thing. I’ve tried limiting access in the past and it works for about a week until I cave because it’s just. so. easy. Give it to her and she’s happy and stops crying/screaming/whining.
Ahhh, silence.
But it is way past time to get rid of it. I am done. I am done with making sure I always know where they are. (“They” because one isn’t enough. She needs one for her mouth and at least one in each hand to be happy.) I am done with worrying when I can’t find one and searching frantically at bedtime. Not to mention with all the other changes we have coming up, it’s now or 3 months from now in the middle of potty training with Mr. Silly being deployed. Enough is enough already.
I am more than ready to stop taking pictures like this:
and the hundreds more like it.
Yesterday we searched the house and found as many binkys as we could and bagged them up. Smushy chose a toy and “paid” for them with her bag of binkys. We had talked up the new toy for a few days and she was pretty excited to go through with it.
We didn’t even make it to the car before she started asking for them. It was a gorgeous day, so pretty easy to distract her with playing outside (where she didn’t ever have a binky anyway). She asked for them a few more times at home and had a couple of tantrums over them being gone.
At nap time, she screamed for an hour and a half before we gave up on sleep and went to play outside. I was hoping she would go to bed early, but the phone wouldn’t stop ringing, so I didn’t actually get her down until later than I’d wanted. She cried (and screamed her lungs out) for about 15 minutes before she fell asleep. There were a few almost wake-ups when her hands would search for a binky and she fussed a little, but she never fully woke up enough to get mad about it. When I woke up at 3:30 to feed the baby, she was sleeping in our bed next to Mr. Silly.
All in all, not terrible for night 1. I’m hoping she takes a nap today and that tonight goes well.