A month by month list since I have a blog and can just look old stuff up.  Yay blog!

January- We started clomid to try to get pregnant.  We had been trying for 5 months at that point, but this was the first “serious” month.

February- The clomid failed.  We found out we would be moving to Rhode Island and then Washington state (our top choice!)

March- The clomid failed..again.  Mr. SIlly turned 30.  We took an epic road trip to CA, OR, and WA to visit family.  I got my iPhone and fell in love.

April- We went to a fair and Smushy got to “hold” her very first monkey.  I got my wisdom teeth removed.

May- More clomid.  Mother’s Day!  Mr. Silly and I celebrated our 7th anniversary.  I moved my blog.  Sorta.

June- We dealt with some house drama.  Took a weekend trip to Austin.  Clomid failed…AGAIN.

July- Had a garage sale and made a billion dollars selling baby stuff.  Found out the clomid worked and baby #2 would be making an entrance in March.  Smushy turned 2.  We celebrated by taking her to Sea World in San Antonio.

August- We found out there is just ONE baby in there.  I turned 29.  Lots of planning and prepping for the move.

September- My cat ran away.  We moved from Texas to Rhode Island.  I entered the 2nd trimester.  Lots of unpacking and organizing (Turns out, this never really ends.)  We went to a big fair thing and met up with a few mommies from my online mommy group.  Fun fun fun.

October- Mr. Silly went to VA for work for a couple of weeks.  When he got home we went apple picking and took Smushy to a corn maze.  Smushy started school for the first time.  We found out we would be having a little boy.  Smushy went trick-or-treating for the first time and had a blast!

November- Not much happened this month (at least that I blogged about).  We celebrated Thanksgiving with some friends.  I got huger.

December- We got our first snow and I got my car stuck in the mud in my yard and had t call a tow truck and cried a lot.  A mouse tried to kill me and I traumatized my kid.  Lots of Christmas prepping (shopping, cooking).  I started the 3rd trimester.  Finished the year celebrating my nephew’s 1st birthday with my sister and brother in law.

So, to recap: New home, new baby on the way, same old everything else.  Hooray!

We have a lot of birthdays in my family this month. The most important to me is, of course, Smushy’s birthday. Unfortunately for everyone else, I seem to forget about the rest. It’s not intentional and I do eventually remember. Usually when it’s too late to call. Because I have always had the most excellent timing. Most people don’t really care if I forget, but my step-mother is not one of those people. She gets Offended and Upset. And she makes it sound like she’s not really mad, but you know she is. She holds grudges and will never let you forget it. Ever ever ever.

So of course I forget her birthday until it’s too late to call and I forgot to buy a card and yes I do realize I am the worst daughter ever. I called her the next day and she acted like it was fine and I knew it wasn’t. Nothing I could do about it though except add in some toddler art with her card and hope that smoothes things over.

(Smooth is a weird word. And it’s not “smooths” like I think it should be, it’s “smoothes”, or so spell-check informs me.)

But I figured out the best way to get out of trouble with her. Granted, it’s a little difficult and time consuming, but it’s guaranteed to work. Call her after her birthday early in the morning and say:

Yeah, that should keep me off her bad list for a while.

(Due March 26)

I’m having a hard time today. The clomid has been working and last cycle everything was perfect. We couldn’t have timed it any better. And today I started my period. I knew it was coming. I started testing at 9DPO (days past ovulation). Negative negative negative. I should say I’m not surprised, but this time I am. It should have worked. There was no reason for it not to work. We did everything right. Everything. I can’t even begin to explain how disappointed and frustrated and pissed I am that it didn’t work.

There are a few reasons this month is harder than usual. We’re moving soon and if I’m not pregnant before we leave, I’ll have to get a primary doc, make an appointment, get a referral to another doc and get an appointment with that one. I have an excellent doctor right now, but I have had less than great ones before. Less than great ones take a LONG time to get anything going. I can’t tell you how many missed opportunities we had to endure the last time because my doctor didn’t think 4 years of trying was quite long enough and wanted me to try a little longer. So I’d like to find someone who will be as proactive as I am. This all takes time. Time I’m not willing to wait, but may not have a choice.

Now that the 3rd cycle at 50mg failed, I don’t know what my doc is going to want to do. I would like to maybe bump it up to 100 and give it a good last try since we probably have one good shot before we leave. But I don’t know what my doc will think about that. She may want to do a bunch of testing again since it’s been a while. If that’s the case, it will probably cost us our last good shot before we move. I really don’t want that. I want a chance. Even if she decides to stick with 50, I’ll be ok with that. At least we have a chance.

I am so pissed. The whole thing is completely unfair and it pisses me off. I don’t even know how to elaborate on that. It is what it is.

I know how lucky I am. I don’t need to be told that I am lucky. I have a child. I already have what so many people are still struggling for. I appreciate her in ways I can’t explain. She makes it so much easier to see a negative test. She also keeps me busy enough so I don’t have as much time to dwell on it. I remember spending days being depressed after previous failed cycles. I didn’t have a reason to muddle through. Now I do. She won’t let me wallow, even when I want to.

It can be a double-edged sword though. I have one, so I know my body CAN make a baby and carry it to term. I know I’m capable of having another healthy baby. But knowing that makes not getting it even more frustrating. I can. So why haven’t I? There are no guarantees that I ever will.

But there is hope. So I’m going to focus on the hope.