January- We started clomid to try to get pregnant.  We had been trying for 5 months at that point, but this was the first “serious” month.

February- The clomid failed.  We found out we would be moving to Rhode Island and then Washington state (our top choice!)

March- The clomid failed..again.  Mr. SIlly turned 30.  We took an epic road trip to CA, OR, and WA to visit family.  I got my iPhone and fell in love.

April- We went to a fair and Smushy got to “hold” her very first monkey.  I got my wisdom teeth removed.

May- More clomid.  Mother’s Day!  Mr. Silly and I celebrated our 7th anniversary.  I moved my blog.  Sorta.

June- We dealt with some house drama.  Took a weekend trip to Austin.  Clomid failed…AGAIN.

July- Had a garage sale and made a billion dollars selling baby stuff.  Found out the clomid worked and baby #2 would be making an entrance in March.  Smushy turned 2.  We celebrated by taking her to Sea World in San Antonio.

August- We found out there is just ONE baby in there.  I turned 29.  Lots of planning and prepping for the move.

September- My cat ran away.  We moved from Texas to Rhode Island.  I entered the 2nd trimester.  Lots of unpacking and organizing (Turns out, this never really ends.)  We went to a big fair thing and met up with a few mommies from my online mommy group.  Fun fun fun.

October- Mr. Silly went to VA for work for a couple of weeks.  When he got home we went apple picking and took Smushy to a corn maze.  Smushy started school for the first time.  We found out we would be having a little boy.  Smushy went trick-or-treating for the first time and had a blast!

November- Not much happened this month (at least that I blogged about).  We celebrated Thanksgiving with some friends.  I got huger.

December- We got our first snow and I got my car stuck in the mud in my yard and had t call a tow truck and cried a lot.  A mouse tried to kill me and I traumatized my kid.  Lots of Christmas prepping (shopping, cooking).  I started the 3rd trimester.  Finished the year celebrating my nephew’s 1st birthday with my sister and brother in law.

So, to recap: New home, new baby on the way, same old everything else.  Hooray!

So of course I forget her birthday until it’s too late to call and I forgot to buy a card and yes I do realize I am the worst daughter ever. I called her the next day and she acted like it was fine and I knew it wasn’t. Nothing I could do about it though except add in some toddler art with her card and hope that smoothes things over.

(Smooth is a weird word. And it’s not “smooths” like I think it should be, it’s “smoothes”, or so spell-check informs me.)

But I figured out the best way to get out of trouble with her. Granted, it’s a little difficult and time consuming, but it’s guaranteed to work. Call her after her birthday early in the morning and say:

Yeah, that should keep me off her bad list for a while.

(Due March 26)

There are a few reasons this month is harder than usual. We’re moving soon and if I’m not pregnant before we leave, I’ll have to get a primary doc, make an appointment, get a referral to another doc and get an appointment with that one. I have an excellent doctor right now, but I have had less than great ones before. Less than great ones take a LONG time to get anything going. I can’t tell you how many missed opportunities we had to endure the last time because my doctor didn’t think 4 years of trying was quite long enough and wanted me to try a little longer. So I’d like to find someone who will be as proactive as I am. This all takes time. Time I’m not willing to wait, but may not have a choice.

Now that the 3rd cycle at 50mg failed, I don’t know what my doc is going to want to do. I would like to maybe bump it up to 100 and give it a good last try since we probably have one good shot before we leave. But I don’t know what my doc will think about that. She may want to do a bunch of testing again since it’s been a while. If that’s the case, it will probably cost us our last good shot before we move. I really don’t want that. I want a chance. Even if she decides to stick with 50, I’ll be ok with that. At least we have a chance.

I am so pissed. The whole thing is completely unfair and it pisses me off. I don’t even know how to elaborate on that. It is what it is.

I know how lucky I am. I don’t need to be told that I am lucky. I have a child. I already have what so many people are still struggling for. I appreciate her in ways I can’t explain. She makes it so much easier to see a negative test. She also keeps me busy enough so I don’t have as much time to dwell on it. I remember spending days being depressed after previous failed cycles. I didn’t have a reason to muddle through. Now I do. She won’t let me wallow, even when I want to.

It can be a double-edged sword though. I have one, so I know my body CAN make a baby and carry it to term. I know I’m capable of having another healthy baby. But knowing that makes not getting it even more frustrating. I can. So why haven’t I? There are no guarantees that I ever will.

But there is hope. So I’m going to focus on the hope.